Gear Fear

I can see my mecca from my front door. Being at a spits throw away from REI, I have problems of the other kind. Leela’s gear problems are not half as bad as mine. The second REI announces sale, I am there in my pajamas and take a day off from work. Most times they don’t even have to have a sale. It’s an expensive pastime and involves a very agitated spouse. If they had frequent visitor points, I could have been part owner of REI by now. I buy remote controlled booties which are on sale for 30 bucks. The fact that this useless piece of gear will never make it to the mountain doesn’t seem to deter me. It’s better to be prepared than perish. This motto has seen me buying the third layer of gloves and some waterproof gloves that can talk underwater and for the money I spent on that, it better sing too.

Today I went to return the pair of gloves I bought yesterday. The fact that REI takes returns even after a year of use makes them highly attractive. I normally don’t return things that have encountered my nose drip, but today was an exception. After spending 3 agonizing hours in the store astutely calculating whether Seirus gloves (with a three layer weatherproof protection) is better than the Mountain Hardwear (windstopper glove) or the cheaper REI version (which claims all of the above for three dollars less), I bought the Seirus glove thinking that all my cold finger problems are solved. The fact that I even considered the Northface and OR brands has been omitted for reader sanity. I paid an arm for this and hence should have asked for a 50% discount. I decided to test this pair the next day. I went on a run outside dressed in layers (that I purchased for the climb) and my new Seirus gloves. It was cold, probably 30F. I was very comfortable in every region of my vast body except the darned fingers! I ran for thirty minutes going from feeling numb to extreme pain. When I was ready to see both my hands detach and fall to the ground, I decided to remove the gloves so Pi could return them without the blood stains. The phenomenon that followed was quite disturbing. My hands instantly came back to life and even felt warmer than before! ‘Hmmmm’, I say to myself. First I must return this and second I mustn’t tell Pi. He would ask me to return everything else and walk up the mountain naked. For his own good, I better not tell him.

So you see my predicament. I waste too much time, money and energy at REI. Today at the returns counter a new blonde employee asked, 'Anything wrong with these gloves ma'am?' I went on this tirade of explaining how these gloves act more of a cold trap and that the waterproof layer on top makes it exceedingly hard to be dexterous with a camera. I had become an unsolicited gear tester for REI. I went on to tell her that the Mountain Hardwear that I bought last week, though not as warm provided better warmth for its price. Her eyes quickly light up and she goes, 'Oh, you are the one who moved apartments to be near REI.’ Word spreads!